I suffered some sort of 'Mid-life' crisis when I was younger and up to now I don't know why I already worried about my life back then considering I was too young to do so. But right now, I think it has been a crisis i have to undergo over and over again.
Uncertainty and insecurity are bugging my mind at the moment. I am officially down in many aspects in my life. Nothing seems to make sense. My career seems to be too bleak, my relationships seem to be insufficient, my self is unsatisfied, and my whole life revolves around the same listless spot. And I partly blame myself for choosing this path; a choice I had to make but made others did for me. I partly blame others for the rest yet mostly, the worse fault would be mine.
It's quarter-life crisis. I'm an adult; I ought to set my goals and take steps toward those. But what's happening is I'm trapped and I just can't describe them because they hold me back in different aspects.
Upon discussing this to my superfriend, I told her that I just have to keep on working to support my family. And then I came to wonder: who'll be supporting me. Now don't get me wrong, of course it'll be my father. But it is not enough for me; my body, heart, mind, and soul seeks for something more. I even suddenly considered resting for a moment but I refuse to be dependent. Plus, who is there to care for me? I feel like I don't have anybody who cares as sincere as I want them to be. Yes, I got my friends, I love the way they care for me and all (and I mean ALL), but they can't always be there for me. They got lives of their own also. There are even times that I need people and they're just busy with their own affairs--I don't hold this against them. It's just that... Who else can I turn to when all else fails.
My ego is also crushed for not being able to do what I really want in life. My ego is crushed for not being loved. My ego is crushed for not succeeding. My ego is crushed because I let it be crushed. I'm not wealthy, I'm not strong, I'm not good-looking, I'm not smart, I'm not confident, I'm not powerful, I'm not great.
I'm letting myself lie on the mud, I'm aware of it, but my heart, mind, and soul are too broken to find the strength to drag myself up and out of it.
I know I have to do this on my own. But I seek salvation. I seek refuge... How long should I keep myself waiting? Til I get old and not strong enough to do what I should have done?
I have to wake myself up before I get incarcerated in this nightmare.
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